"There are three things that if a man does not know, he cannot live long in this world; what is too much for him,
what is too little for him & what is just right for him." Swahili Proverb
June 29th
Never play afraid.
I've heard coaches repeat the words " if you play afraid you'll get hurt." Football is a game that takes all of us. Physically, mentally and emotionally. We have all seen the players that havn't quite figured out how to play with everything they have. It sucks to see potential in people and wonder what's keeping them from reaching all they are capable of. Love takes all that football takes. Love & Football weather we like it or not make us vulnerable. In a relationship or On a practice field, in the gym or in a game it is impossible to hide from our lovers, team mates coaches, trainers and fans our weakness. It can actually be very selfish to even consider trying to hide those things. Going into playing a team sport we understand not a single one of us is perfect. If more people would understand that concept going into relationships, maybe more relationships would have success rates. We learn to accept each other as we are, we push each other forward and we grow together. We make up where another lacks and they make up in all the areas we lack. "To Collaborative team members, completing one another is more important than competing with one another." John C. Maxwell
Championship teams have learned it takes every active player and every practice squad player in order to be successful. If the saying is true " we are only as strong as our weakest link." Then no one on any practice squad anywhere should feel any less important then the "starters". Everyone on a team has a responsibility to invest in the team on a team level. I'm not saying players should coach but I've definitely come to the conclusion that really good teams trust each other to hold each other accountable at a certain level and they care about each other enough to understand that if another player has something to say it must be pretty important.
Respecting our family is first and foremost. I'm happy to say that I am not the best player on our team this year but I feel blessed that the best players and coaches in this league take the time every practice to invest in our team and in me. We are growing together and making each other better. The level of intensity and competition on our team keeps rising and regardless of what the stats say this season I know we are all extremely blessed to be apart of something so special. Coming from last season, I had scare tissue, but my team mates and coaches are breaking those barriers everyday without even knowing it and I feel so blessed & Am extremely thankful. It is truly amazing to have the opportunity to see what a rookie franchise is suppose to be like. Sometimes we have to go through the bad to get to the good. If I had to go through all that I went through last season to truly value this experience this season then every single second, and every game lost, every time I took a sack or another part of my body was injured. . . It was all worth it.
We never know when it will rain or shine but we should value every min of it. All of it can be used for good & can seriously impact our life & the life of those around us. Playing afraid in football, in life or in love will only get us hurt. Never play afraid, search your heart to find and take what you want and then commit to it without turning back. " Ordinary people with commitment can make an extraordinary impact on the world." John C. Maxwell.
June 21st
The History of my evolution
Part 1
"Natural selection acts to preserve and accumulate minor advantageous genetic mutations. Suppose a member of a species developed a functional advantage (it grew wings and learned to fly). Its offspring would inherit that advantage and pass it on to their offspring. The inferior (disadvantaged) members of the same species would gradually die out, leaving only the superior (advantaged) members of the species. Natural selection is the preservation of a functional advantage that enables a species to compete better in the wild. Natural selection is the naturalistic equivalent to domestic breeding. Over the centuries, human breeders have produced dramatic changes in domestic animal populations by selecting individuals to breed. Breeders eliminate undesirable traits gradually over time. Similarly, natural selection eliminates inferior species gradually over time. "
Darwin's theory of Natural selection survival of the fittest is not the strongest people changing qualities to survive. It is those people with certain but necessary traits to survive their changing environment. Life is about Natural selection. Football is about natural selection.
"You can do anything in this world your heart desires," My mom would tell me. " Don't ever let anyone or anything tell you that you can't, because you can and you will to prove them wrong." My dad would tell me. I am so thankful from a young age my parents would repeat these sentences to me over and over. Sometimes remembering those words I feel so powerful. I feel the sky lifted off my shoulders & I feel like it is truly possible to accomplish anything in this world my heart desires. "One foot in front of the other, learn to walk before you run," Dad would say to me.
My mom lit a fire in my heart from a young age to do something bigger with my life and my Dad taught me how to make my own fuel eating up all the energy around me to keep things going. They produced an internal fire in me. A fire needs three things in order to remain burning: Fuel, oxygen and heat. My fuel was and is the energy around me, Good and bad morphed into my desire. My Oxygen has always been athletics primarily football and my heat source is my Father in heaven & my family, friends & fans.
Clearly there have been circumstances throughout the times I've played football and in life where I felt like I was suffocating for air, or I have been consumed with passion and desire. It's at those moments that I realize I have been seriously blessed with a trait I sometimes don't understand and have had trouble controlling. The best way to describe it is Getting up when your knocked down, and breathing when your suffocating is not a option. It just happens. Its something you just do. You don't think about it. You just become weightless and it just happens. It's like a baby bird the first time they fall out of the nest. Their natural instinct just kicks in and there wings just start to flutter keeping them alive or they hit the ground and their life is suddenly over.
Mentally I have always refused to be the bird that just hits the ground without a fight to stay in flight. Physically I've always been blessed with the ability to overcome the fall and spiritually my emotions have always been taken care of. Sometimes its a hard hit, a big fall and a slow burn but It's not the times we fall that count. All it takes is that one time that we stand back up that everyone else refuses to that sets us apart. All it takes is one more step to see the view at the top of the mountain we have been climbing. All it takes is a leap of faith to grow those wings. It's knowing every step you take along the way has a purpose & a direction.
"Natural selection is the preservation of a functional advantage that enables a species to compete better in the wild." There is nothing more wild then life, or football. ""Natural selection acts to preserve and accumulate minor advantageous genetic mutations." Sometimes we have to just give it all we can, no matter how many falls or tries it takes in order to know if we are one of the ones who have the ability to preserve those minor advantageous genetic mutations. I like to think that every time I breathe when I'm about to suffocate, or get back up when I've been knocked down as preserving those traits my son will need to see in order to survive in this cold world & in his sport life.
My relationship with Life & with football are simultaneous. They teach me about one another & the more I learn the more I love the pain they both put me through because with standing up comes the realization that I'm slowly but surely surviving natural selection. In my mind all I'm competing with is myself & as long as the fire my parents started never goes out I'll keep on challenging myself to accomplish anything I desire. At the end of the game & at the end of the day all we can do is try. Trying is the hunger but the part that keeps me surviving, that's the continuous internal gratification of self victory following all those internal defeats. My parents, football & life, they passed their traits to me: Never give up. Take what you want.
5.19.10
The best part of the rebuild. Part 2.
Passion:
1: any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2: the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior
3: Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.
4: Ardent love.
"It's all about Passion - (latin root-Passio) - willingness to suffer for the ones we love. " I read as he signed off the letter he wrote me. My brain was at that state where I needed to come to a decision. My heart was getting ready to harden or to heal as I tried to find myself in the end of the brokeness I experienced last year. In the three month off season we had I had been trying to decide if I was going to play football again or not. Coach Maddox words rang through my head as I read it again. " "It's all about Passion - (latin root-Passio) - willingness to suffer for the ones we love. " I didn't know that day if I would play again or not but I could feel the words turning all kinds of emotions on in my heart again. "I still have this tear in my shoulder." I thought to myself. "Unless this coach is magic, whats the point." I was discouraged. " Havn't I suffered enough" I thought at him feeling upset. Last season Football had taken everything from me so much that it had suffocated my love for the game. I had no hope in football anymore. I had played my entire life on boys teams and last season was the hardest year I had ever had. In football and in life. My brain was ready to walk away. Its like looking back on a fire that just burnt your house down. No one wants to see that over and over again.
I sat there and the waves of emotions and the thoughts that swirled in my brain confused me. They didn't line up. My brain had been suffocated but my heart had just been given air. "If we can help you let me know...otherwise stay strong. " He had written in his letter. Coach was offering help from the Quarter Back Academy. "What is he challenging me." I thought "Way to make me want something I cant have" I thought "Typical guy." My thoughts continued to try and posion my heart. So I wrote back to him with my number. I needed to talk to this guy who was spinning my world upside down. I was just about to walk away from football and this coach reaches out offering hope. "Now what" I thought as I waited for him to call. I could feel my attitude being humbled & I could feel my heart being opened .
I cant exactly remember the conversation we had that night but it ended with a decision for me to attend the Quarter Back Academy in Orlando in May. I remember thinking " What do I have to lose if I go & they cant fix me ?" I didn't have anything to lose. I had everything to gain. I had a shot at playing again. A game that took everything from me certaintly deserved to give me one more year. A shot at redemption & everyone loves the come back story.
I attended the Academy over the past weekend & all the lessons football had taught me last year were completely reaffirmed at camp as I listen to the coaches teach the guys about football and about life. Watching the team of coaches interact at the QBA I was blessed to actually see what a real team and its connection is suppose to be like. I learned what real men are suppose to be like. All the ways I let my team down last year and all the ways I have been let down surfaced as we went through the various drills, as I learned new mechanics & as my brain tried to attack my attitude all weekend. I learned that we can't do everything on our own. Being a Quarter Back isn't about doing everything on your own, its about doing everything to put everyone else before yourself in order that the team might benifit. The coaches didnt just say the words, they actually lived that way. I listened to their conversations between eachother and listened to the way they talked to the other players. I was also blessed to see the way they treat women & the way it's suppose to be. I watched the way they served each other & the football players at the camp. Coach Maddox did have magic & so did all of the other coaches that coach the Academy. They have charm backed by integrity to do whats right even when they don't want to. They radiate with the strength to encourage others to play again and to play harder, smarter and better than before & they work with all their might to pass these traits to others.
Charm:
1: a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty:
2: a verse or formula credited with magical power.
3: any action supposed to have magical power.
4: a trait or feature imparting this power.
5: to endow with or protect by supernatural powers.
6: to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force:
I will play on the Baltimore Charm this year. I can't promise my family, the QBA, coach Maddox, the league, my team mates, my team coaches or that community & the fans that I will be the best Quarter Back in the League but I can make a promise to play on the field and in life with passion. "It's all about Passion - (latin root-Passio) - willingness to suffer for the ones we love. " I can promise you that I will work with all my heart to serve you to protect you from the season & the life I had last year. I can promise that I will work whole heartedly in order that you might receive the gift I received through the example set at the QBA. I can promise that I will remain thankful that you accept me with open arms to play another season, to train me, to coach me & to love me. I can promise that you are important to me & at the end of it all, its not the football I have come to love whole heartedly. It's you & the opprotunity we have to influence those around us to be a formula of magic power & to influence your life through Passion & Charm. So from a quiet heart. Thank you.
~Oh yeah and Lets go Charm.
~KG.
APRIL 16TH
A Letter to the Rookies.
Training camps are coming soon & I have been getting alot of emials, facebook & myspace messages, Im's, Texts and phone calls with future hopefulls asking me for advice on what to expect at mini camps & throughout the season. Here is the list of advice I can give you.
~ In order to be apart of this League you have to be willing to give it your all. Its a new League & many others before you have poured their heart, soul & minds into driving it forward. They will expect the same from you & you should be willing to give it that. It is alot to ask & you will lose alot but Personally what I gained was worth it all.
~ Last season I learned Focus means missing everything in your peripheral: Good & Bad Look within yourslef and keep going when you want to quit.
~It's easy to get lost here & you might hate your team mates off the field but you need to love them on the field.
~ This is not a soroity.... We are a band of sisters. A family. Your coaches will break you down to build you up. Embrace trials.
~ You may or may not be a star in the League. It's up to the Fans & the way you play.
~ You have to really be an Athlete & thrive on competition. Competition among those trying out, among your team mates and against other teams.
~You will need to be able to handle having your team mates, coaches & League officials call you out when you stray from the image of the brand. We hold eachother accountable in this league & it's because we care about the brand & about you.
~If you want to test your soul: Play. Football is the greatest sport in the world to learn character because it will take all of your character to make it through your first season. It's a physical, mental and emotional sport.
~We play full contact, tackle football in Lingerie. That means you have to be in Shape. The less body fat the better. If you get out of shape during the season your team mates, coaches & the League officials will tell you so & you will be benched. The fans are paying to see beautiful models play full contact football. Your team mates work hard and are disciplined enough to stay in shape: so you should be too.
~You could make the League & wind up on the worst team in the League but you should continue to push yourself & your team mates to do better. Don't ever stop trying. Don't settle. Don't give your team mates or coaches anything but more than they can give to you.
~You will be under a microscope within the league if you are blessed enough to develop a fan base. IT is pressure & you should want to continue to rise the bar. For yourself, for those fans, for your team mates & to improve the League.
~There is a purpose to the League. Beautiful women can play full contact tackle football & have the ability to entertain crowds while doing it.
~ You might get kicked out during the middle of the season if you develop a bad attitude. Everyone gets tired. Everyone has to keep practicing. Everyone who is apart of this league Know's what sacrifice is. Everyone has to maintain a job, care for a family, finish school & maintain a normal life. There is Empathy but not sympathy.
~Not many girls will make it through the entire season.
~We are still building the teams. If your lucky your team will have returning vets who can guide you. You should trust & respect them. They went through alot to get through last season & they care about you and can guide you through this season. They will be held to higher standards from the coaches & the League...They earned that. You should aim to earn that too.
~ The media, and fans have been extremely accepting & supporting of our league. Don't screw it up. Respect them because if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have the opprotunity to play.
~ Hate groups may form about you. People get Jealous. Ignore them. Your a professional. All professional athletes deal with it.
~You will learn what is in and out of your control if you make it through an entire season.
~ You will have to attend appearances & we owe that to the fans.
~ If you care about the fans you will connect with them on your social networks such as facebook, myspace & twitter.
~ If you want to play you have to commit. Your life belongs to the League, to your team , to your coaches and to the fans.
~ After your first game you can say you played football in the Lingerie Football League.
~ You could be a starter & If someone is better then you they will take your spot. It's a professional sport which means the bar is always being risen.
~You will see alot of girls not make it, quit or get kicked off before the first game. If you make it to your first game you will know why the vets return.
~That one moment you score a touch down, throw an amazing pass, run a few yards, make an amazing tackle, intercept a ball or knock someones lights out you will get it & If your a football player you will violently crave more.
~Don't forget to bring your sneakers, kleats & water.
~ If you puke at tryouts: puke on the field & keep going.
~If you drop a pass, hit the pads harder.
~Don't talk while the officials are talking.
~Bring a rubber band for your hair. You want to look like a model but your suppose to be an athlete.
~Wear some eye black.
~If you don't make it try out again next year.
~Order the games offline _ www.lflus.com so you know what a game is like.
~ If your in it for the money quit now.
~If your in it to get famous quit now.
~ Know the football basics before you tryout.
~Do your research. We all had to.
~ You will make mistakes, It's ok. Admit to them & fix them if you can.
~Football is a sport you play because you love it.
~Don't quit.
~ Good Luck.
January 10th
The invigorating side of the down fall. Part one*
Sometimes in life we are blessed to find ourself at a spot where we are stopped and get lost completely in thought. Confused but with clarification, we come to the understanding that everything we had been working toward was completely and utterly wrong.
Sometimes on the downfall, we wonder why everything seems to be unravelling. Thats the thing about climbing; sometimes we cant see that on the other side of that hill is a crevice. Most of the time, we cant see how long or deep that crevice is. While in this crevice life can stand still. During this period I have been able to reflect on where I was; where I am now and where I am headed.
It has been tough to go through a marriage; a separation; a divorce and a custody case. To be sure, life has its ups and downs. Clearly a marriage, even a good one, will always have ups and downs. The birth of my son was a huge up to both my ex-husband and me. We saw the separation differently, an up for me and a down for him. Then, the divorce was a down for me and an up for him. It is difficult to explain that.
Throughout this I've had the blessing of having two amazing friends (Kristina Black and Jen Bari). They are a huge up. Both of them have lives of their own (imagine that lol) and I have had the blessing of them sharing with me their ups and downs.
Although Kristina has alot to fill me in on, shes taught me to be patient and understanding; while I have watched Jen have maturity; compassion and draw strength from those around her. The down side is Kristina moved to Cali in the middle of the hardest year of my life, but she is happy and that is the most important thing after she had the hardest year of her life. Sadly, I seldom see Jen because of all the traveling thats required for me in the LFL.
Then there was the break-up with Kyle. Im pretty sure my Mom, Jen and Kristina and teammates -- specifically Tanyka Renne, Kiera Massette -- watched me unravel over and over in a vicious cycle this summer. ( Im saying if you ever saw New Moon, imagine 50 times worse then that). You can read about my love for him in old blogs but Ill never post the break-up details.
My trainer, Mark Aquino, has turned out to be quite the amazing friend. One upside of my relationship with Kyle is I would have never met Mark. Mark trained me and prepared me for my first season in the LFL thanks Mark! Mark said something to me during my divorce that changed my life and Ill share it with you: Dont ever let anyone or anything make you bitter."
Those words taught me to heal in love and kindness. That has been extremely hard because we are all selfish and its easier to want to hate someone who hurts you or who you hurt; but its wrong. When we accomplish healing in love, we can appreciate old experiences. I smile and am thankful now for David and Kyle; when I think of former teammates who I let down or who let me down; when I think of lost friends and new friends to come.
Its been hard to understand that I have the drive and the motivation and the knowledge to be the best athlete I can be. I fought injuries all season and played through them. I refused to let any crevice get in the way of making it to the top of the mountain. I didnt stop to see the hills I would have to climb to get there. The hardest part now is knowing the climb as a quarterback will be postponed until next season.
I could sit here and be pissed off at the world because my body is letting me down. But instead, I fully appretiate my teammate Nicole Stanely and her willingness to fill the spot our team needs now and previously. I found a calming happiness and general joy with our team I hadnt reached before. Had our team not fallen apart over and over, Id never have had the chance to get to know these beautiful women. I have been truly changed by a few teammates Tanyka, Kiera and Nicole.
I will start with Tanyka. I remember the first day Tanyka was at training camp in Buffalo where Mark was our acting coach. Mark told us to run. I was at the front and Tanyka at the back. I dropped back and let the rest of the team run by so I could encourage Tanyka. I thought Mark would cut her right away. She couldnt handle it. She was tired. Not motivated. Just not a football player. Awkward in her movements and quiet.
Mark did try to cut her in long Island once. Something in me reached out and I tried to overrule my coach and trainer. I told Tanyka to get back in the drills. Not to go home even though the coach had "cut" her. I dont know what happened that day; it sure the hell wasnt the athlete in me talking because I didnt think of her as an athlete then. I felt I in this ride with her. I wanted to see her finish. I wanted to see her grow.
I got something away more than that. She changed my life. Over the last few months she grew as an athlete and I began to learn about her as a person. Strong, sexy, confident; poised (except when her emotion of love takes over); passionate about the sport and life. I watched her prevail through team issues; through her personal issues and through everything that touches her life.
Tanyka has had a tough past, and has endured a hard present. I truly believe she will always be successful and she will be extremely happy. What truly changed me about Tanyka is her ability to love people. She taught me to love those who do and who dont deserve it; to stay focused on the positive and to not waste a single thought on something negitive unless its to try to find a way to see the positive. Tanyka is the only other one left on our team that has been on this team since day one; she has perseverance.
Keira came our first week of training camp in PA. While the rest of us had just endured our first day of camp and were exhausted, sweaty and cranky, in walks this beautiful, outspoken, very well put together; truthful girl from NYC. She had her shit together. She was a trainer in Manhattan; she was a bartender at the W and she had just survived a break up with a pro athelte.
I saw in her the desire to show the world that she would be successful and happy. She didnt know a damn thing about football. I would watch her in practice. Coach would have us running routes and she had trouble catching on. Id get frusterated and jump in to show her " this is how you do it". During our first game she got thrown in at centre and I learned to trust her under pressure. While she was in that game, I was more protected and had the most success.
More players quit but Kiera stayed. Kiera studied. Kiera put in the work and she persevered. More than that, she started to promote our team like crazy. Taking on the media and the appearances in all aspects. When she saw I needed a break, she just stepped in without a word and put it on her shoulders. Kiera is on a hill right now but with one foot in front of the other she continues. Steady does it with Kiera. Kiera taught me how to listen and how to nuture a friendship. Kiera has been very honest with me and I have had the privilege to help her through some tough times. (Thank you for trusting me always. I read today that trust is a better gift than love because it teaches us to love unconditionally.)
I remember the first day and Nicole stands out in my mind. Shes standing on the defensive side of the line right lineman. My shoulder had been getting progressively worse. I called the cadence: Set Hut. Bam Nicole rushed me and somehow right into my injured shoulder.
" Watch the shoulder, I said. Her response: "Is that what youre going to say on game day?"
At the time, I had a bunch of swear words in my mind. Two hours later I pulled Nicole aside and told her that I respected her and I appreciatied her competitive spirit. I saw alot of myself in her. I was thankful there was one person I didnt have to set an example for and I found someone I could look up to as well. I have looked up to Nicole. We have stood side by side and have picked each other up. I lived in her house for three weeks before our first game; I looked for her on every pass during the first game (it just happened instinctively). She picked up for the spots when I felt weak in the second game (the labrum and
tendinitis were horrible during this game);
And for the last month she has been recruiting a new team and learning to be a quarterback. She has offered up her house for teammates to stay at after practices and appearances. She fed me when I was stuck in PA; I have been kicked out of a game defending her and she will carry the team in the last game. Nicole taught me to work hard and to stay humble. She taught me that I can only control myself. Watching the Miami game online, I saw Nicole fight until the end, even after I was kicked out. She showed our team and the league to play till the last minute; whether youre winning or losing.
Its only in this stand still of divorce; a custody battles; a breakup; doctor's appointments, court dates, travel time, losing every game, being kicked out of a game and being snowed in (here in Buffalo) that I have been able to appretiate the downfall. I have been blessed with people like my family, my friends and my teammates; my coach (who is the best football coach I have ever had, with the most football knowledge and the most loyal person I know. He is the biggest winner and even though our team continuously loses he still bleeds Majesty red); My trainer, league officials (who have taken time to coach me on my professionalism after bad interviews or mistakes made during game time); and the kids I grew up with in Lewiston and Niagara Falls ( who love me no matter who I become or where I go or what I do, and will keep me humble).
The invigorating side of the downfall is knowing that it will lead us somewhere but never knowing where. I truly believe that although we spend all this time working towards goals: we are inevitably going to wind up exactly where we belong. Without my marriage, I would never have had my beautiful son or an ex-husband who is my best friend. Without my divorce I would have never had the opportunity to be so close to my mom; I would have never moved back home and I would have never had the chance to know Jen or Kristina better.
Without Kyle, Id never have met Mark, who's words carried my spirit through the toughest year of my life and whose training carried me through my hardest year of football. Without the LFL there would be no Majesty. Without my team I would have never met Tanyka; Without our team falling apart I would have never been touched by Kiera or Nicole. Without our coach and the league officials, I wouldnt have the courage; the poise or the humility to finish the hardest season.
Standing at the beginning of last year, I would have never imagine everything I would survive this year. The tears, the struggle and the emotional and physical pain I've dealt with have been so consuming. The bright side of the downfall is theres not alot of places to go when your down. You can stay in the crevice to search for the blessings of the fall and or look up and someone will pick you up and point you back toward the sun. Despite all the crevice, I chose to put my face back to the sun.
~Love.
Krystal Gray
In the After math
"Therefore, my dear friends as you have always obeyed-not only in my presence, but now in my absence-continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is god who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philippians 2: 12-13
Flying on the plane to miami I felt confident in myself and in my team to play like a football team this game. We had all done the best we could up until this point preparing to play miami. As we sat there on the plane I continued to prepare and make my "just in case" cheat sheet on a second QB wrist band. I wrote out the game script, and I detailed it with what every player on offense was to do on every play. I thought This weeks huddle will be much more organized. During the previous week of practice coach let me organize the offense in the huddle so I could go from right to left around the circle and fill the players in on what to do. He would give me the play, I would read it off to each side and then I would go around the circle filling the players in where to go. A major confidence booster compared to the last game. I finished making the wrist band, I had coach look it over and I got off the plane feeling confident that we had a shot at actually winning this game. Our offense when ran properly is set up on percision. Coach was in the military and so was I. In past articles you have seen me write about consistancy and discipline. I run on this. As a quarter back I need that consistency in the huddle to feel poised and collected. I was confident we would have that this week, which would allow for me to have a better game and give my team the Quarter Back they deserved. As I began to warm up before the game I realized I couldnt lift my right elbow parallel to my right shoulder. The tear in my lebrum was getting worse and the tendinitis began to take over. I pulled coach aside and I said "coach, nicoles arm is right on today, my passing is off, my shoulder is acting up dont be affraid to pull me and put her in." Half time came and our coach gave us the half time talk we deserved. We werent playing like a team, as quarter backs we both scrambled for our lifes or we got blind sided by hits, the line wasnt working together, recievers were messing up routes, on D it was the same way, play after play someone got behind the safetys and miami exploited the long pass. Prior to the game I warned my coach about this, I watched the chicago game and miami primarily passed against them , and we watched the philly game and miami primarily ran against them. Either way We needed to go out the second half and play like a team.
Second half rolled around and I felt a calming pressence from god. He said to me, you tried to play the first half with out me. If god is with you who can be against you. I played in his fear, and in fear of getting seriously injured due to my shoulders the first half and never stoped to ask god to take control. THIS is a major problem. How can I be a leader to my team if I have no one to follow. In order to lead we must first follow. I was out there with no guidence. God was speaking to me. Every play in the second half I asked God to help me take one play at a time with his guidence, to find the right holes, to see the open receivers and as a safety (coach put me in at the end of the first half at safety as well) I began to ask for quickness reading the play. I thought to myself "I can do all things through christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I knew we werent going to win this game, but I felt calm and the fear went away because I knew at the end of the day when I learned to focus on God and let him carry me through it wasnt that bad. I felt clarity and I felt calm. During the last part of the game I got back into that safety mentality, no one gets into my endzone from this point on. I was excited and able to enjoy the football. A few plays at safety and I started to feel protective of my team. Sitting back at safety you get to see all the stuff everyone on the entire field is doing. I saw the miami girls getting a little out of control with their actions and I started to get fired up. Three plays in a row I watched the receiver hit my corner after the whistle was blown. It became evident that this player wasnt even trying to run a route at this point. I told my corner if I see this receiver hit you one more time after the whistle is blown, or get in your face, or swing on you its going to be over. What do you think happened the next play ? The receiver started going at it with my corner, All of a sudden there were miami players and ny majesty players surrounding eachother and I got swong on. Growing up in martial arts and with a father who was a military drill SSGT I was taught to Defend myself. No one puts their hands on me like that and my passion for football, my love for my team mates and the instinctive nature to protect myself took over. Next thing I know Im ejected from the game, the crowds going crazy and I didnt feel bad at all. I felt closer to my team.
I saw the commissioner and the director of the league in our hotel elevator later that night and I knew they were dissapointed in me. Fighting in all professional sports is looked down upon and This league has taken alot of time molding me into the leader they see in me. They have taken the time to see my love for football and my passion for this league in general. I knew that wouldnt be the end of it.
Sometime later I got an email from the commissioner, The league was extremely dissapointed in my behavior as one of the leaders in the league and I was notified that I would be suspended for a game for fighting and for my rowdy behavior after the fight. I had already prepared myself for this. I stand behind the leagues decision in my suspension as there are always consequences for everything in life and leaders should be held to higher standards. I was scheduled for a conference call with the commissioner and as he explained to me the reason for my suspension I began to understand, its about becoming a professional. He said to me " Do you think Eli manning would be suspended for fighting, or jump into the stands to sign autographs ?" Boys get 23 years of playing football, and coach after coach to learn how to become professional football players. Although I have had years of playing football I never looked into my experiences as how to conduct myself as a professional football player.
Girls just didnt grow up thinking that was a possibility. I have had close to two years being molded, learning and growing from my mistakes trying to be a professional football player. I trust the league and am very grateful and thankful that they continue to mold me into a professional football player. This is their brand and as players we just represent it. I may not agree with being the only one suspended as I wasnt even the one to throw the first punch but I am thankful that the league saw enough in me to punish me for MY mistakes. The league and its decisions should be respected and trusted by the players. "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Proverbs 13:24
In the after math of the fight there has been alot of controversy, People think because Im christian I should'nt Fight, and maybe they are right? As of now I have not been convicted or do I feel guilty for defending myself. I do however feel guilty for losing control of my emotions and letting those emotions control my actions. I need God because Im not perfect and only with him will my emotions be controled. "Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of christ." (Philippians 1:27) Bottom line I learned last game; we cant do it on our own, and at times we will try to take back control of our life our of fear, or anger, passion, or love but if we are living our life for God, we should surrender and ask him to be in control. My loss of control is a huge example of why we need God, He did not send his son to die for us because we are perfect, his son died for us because we are not perfect.
November 9th
" Sometimes the more you do for people the more they will disappoint you." ~ Meg Liz Miller, Miami calliente
Reading these words in a text from Meg liz really hit me today. I started to think what gives megs statement validity ? Easy enough.. its not hard to understand. Investing our feelings, emotions, energy and time into others can either be a primer to an amazing relationship with them or to set ourself up to be seriously hurt if they turn on us or end in failure.
Caring for people isnt something thats natural to the human spirit. WE are all selfish and at the end of the day everyone has motives. Its up to us to decide if those motives are hidden and if they are going to be harmful to us in the long run. Will they place their motives over the value of your friendship/relationship with them ? What I mean by this is while we ought to not change our character or personality after being hurt or let down by someone we can avoid being hurt in the future by being proactive in learning from our past.
I truly realized this year that not everyone is a good person, has a good heart or has good intentions. I completely misconstrewed a statement my dad said to me when I was younger, " a true leader looks for the good in others and points it out to them when they cant see it theirself". Somehow I tried to find the good in every person in my life and I completely missed multiple signs that pointed out that certain people are not the kind of people I want in my life. Looking at all people who come into my life I really set myself up to be hurt. Which brings me back to megs statement.. sometimes the more we do for people the more they dissapoint us... its because doing something for others involves investing ourself into them. When they let us down, hurt us, exploit us, its like we lost a part of ourself to them. What hurts even more then being let down by them is realizing what kind of person we were let down by and how we let them get the best of us. Its a pride thing.
So many times this year I have thought to myself " how could I have been so stupid and nieve to let this person get to me like this," The answer is... because I cared enough about them to let them in my life and to get involved in theirs. Ill keep caring about the people that come in my life and hopefully Ill be more selective with exactly who I chose to care for and be cared for by. This way the stats on who stays in my life will be more in my favor then the stats of those I continue to lose that never really cared for me anyways. After all I really hate losing.
November 2nd
After friday nights game I'd have expected myself to feel upset about the way we lost to philly. Supprisingly although I felt upset about the loss, It didnt break my heart into pieces and It didnt hit me as hard as I might have thought. During the day leading up to the game I felt a variaty of emotions. I went from being nervous during the day and having those pre game butterflies, to feeling anticipation as game time got closer. While everyone else in the locker room was listening to that lincoln park and hip hop music to get amped up I put my head phones on and played Skillet " angles fall down" to calm myself and focus.
I looked at football so long through the eyes of being a safety. The way I played safety was by going to that angry, amped up this is my field no one gets into my endzone kind of mode. I would usually be a real big garbage talker telling the other teams Offensive players if they came near me Id take them out for the rest of the game. Getting ready to play Quarter Back friday night I found myself wanting to stay calm, focused, poised and under control. At that point I realized that win, lose or draw friday night I know I personally did everything I could to prepare myself for fridays game and at the end of that night I still played for the same reasons I always have. To learn Gods character for me.
The first half of fridays game was rough. Indoor football is so much faster then 11 on 11 outdoor football. The noise, the people, the coaches yelling , the players confusion , the music, the cameras, the smoke and lights... all of that began to fade into the background for me as we ran out of the tunnel. I was focused and wanted to win but I felt god telling me there was something bigger than that going on. I felt god tell me all about how his grace is made sufficient in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). God was going to teach our team character through a loss friday night. God was going to bond our team through struggles and perseverance.
During the first half of my first game as a Quarter Back I did feel nervous. I knew what would happen. My team would look to me to tell them what to do in times of stress. Suddenly I realized, what I knew would happen was happening and instead of trying to bear the weight of my team on my own I turned to God and he told me, we were finally going to become a team. The people who knew what to do stood out, Respect was earned where respect was due. We relied on eachother to get through this game. Everyone on the team struggled together to do their OWN job but most importantly no one quit and no one walked out on the team.
Perseverance is a characteristic that is highly needed in life but that some never have the opprotunity to taste. It is the ability to hang in there when everything else is telling us to quit. Our society has taught us so what , if you dont like the way something is being handled walk away and you can find happiness somewhere else. This entire year has been one huge perseverance test trying to earn my spot in the lingerie football league. Friday nights game helped me to realize the worth of this experience. By Gods grace, I've displayed perseverance. When others have let bad attitudes, a lack of discipline or whatever else come in the way, my team mates didnt. My team learned how to take a loss as a team with no finger pointing , or no blame placing. Although we didnt win Im so proud of my team for the way they held their composure after losing that game.
Im not ashamed, Im not embarassed and I dont feel bad. Im happy to call them SISTERS, TEAMMATES, CHAMPIONS. On and off the field Ive had so many people walk in and out of my life this last year but these are the ones that remain. The people that can take the good with the bad are the people I love and respect. The people who can remain through it all deserve appretiation. We did go to war, and we lost but we did it together. There is something beautiful and glorious about knowing that while we lost, gods pressence was around us and that we were together. Even the spartans went down as one. We were one. From that point forward its up to us to take that gift god gave us and remain and play as one.
Oct 27th
They say that in life everything happens for a reason. IT has been extremely hard for me excepting that everything in life might have a reason but that I might not always know what that reason is. Last year at this time I was struggling in a broken marriage and I began to use training for the Chicago Bliss team as an emotional outlet. This week I was extremely disappointed and let down by someone I thought was my best friend and I'm training for my first game with NY MAJESTY that is in less then 4 days now. I'm trying to learn an entirely new offensive system and coach has been building a really great new team. Combining a team isn't always easy. Last year started challenging and the challenges have been one right after another for me. Its funny how life throws mountains in the road sometimes but through climbing those mountains I have learned a lot about my character and I have been pushed and climbed to my limits. I have learned who I am and whats important to me. Now that I have embraced those hard times as primers to a better me it is easy to let the past go and I feel free because of it.
Where we work, who we are dating, what we wear, who are friends are, those are not things that define who we are. When I played little league football and when I was in the military those leaders would say stuff like integrity, excellence and service to others is what defines character. I understood what they were saying but I never challenged myself to really truly grasp the internal meaning of those things. After the hardest year I've had in my life I finally get it now. Character is what defines who we are. Character is tested and built through the trials and every experience we have in life. The choices we make define that character and it can help or hurt those we care for or that care for us the most. Integrity in everything we do, A sincere heart, Pure intentions, a friendship, compassion, respect, and a willingness to always work through anything that comes at you in life, discipline, and a willingness to be humbled when its needed , those are things that are important to me. All these things are what commitment is made of. To me it takes all those things to be apart of any team. A football team, a relationship, a friendship....I might not be the best at showing all of those traits at certain times but I'm going to continue to try and improve myself for the overall benefit of the group and I'm going to continue to seek that out in those that are brought into my life and that are continuously around me. It has been a struggle for me, to continuously give of myself to others and sometimes I feel very worn thin. I have wanted to quit and walk away several times and laugh at people who fall on their face but i realized this week its not inside me to just not care like that. I have grown to care for these people who I see potential in that may not have risen to it yet. I will continue to search for that potential in them I just need to find a new way that they can relate to. My dad told me a true leader always finds a way to see the greatness in others...I see that greatness in so many people in my life but it has been frustrating and disappointing to see them have opportunity after opportunity to rise to that greatness, and to make the right decisions which will bring them character growth. "That's the job of a leader," my coach says... to continuously take the fall for others and and carry their weight in order to show them...they can do it too.
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GALLERY
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BIO
First and Foremost I just want to acknowledge that God works everything for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). All of my successes for every goal I have set and reached or for every goal I am on the way to accomplishing is all because of our great and loving god. Without him Nothing, none of this would be possible. It is important that we stay thankful for every opened and for every closed door he has set for us to guide us along the way. Before I get into my bio I would like to thank all the Family members , Friends, Fans and those that believe in me and Support me in my quest to be a positive influence to those around me. Without your love and support my story would mean nothing.
